Connecting the Non-Connected
by Rev. Peter E. Bauer
Human beings are story–tellers. Think about when you were a child and you listened to your parents or your grandparents talk about significant events that occurred in the life of your family. You might have heard tales regarding heroes and villains, highlighting incidents of triumph and success and then again episodes of tragedy and failure.
Families have the ability to weave particular scripts. These are legends that inform how a family or a community understands their development. Some families and individuals are fond of referencing themselves as survivors, others will say they are always winners, and then there are others who will always reference themselves as struggling, that somehow their ship has never quite somehow come into port.
When people are experiencing challenges in interpreting and making sense of their lives and of their stories, psychotherapy and pastoral care and counseling can be found to be helpful. Ideally, it is good to find someone who is neutral and caring and who will allow the space and time to be curious and explore further with you the various ramifications regarding what it means to be human.
Leonard Cohen observed: “You live your life as if it were real. “ This can be challenging especially if a person is used to living by certain conventions. The messages that people may tell themselves might include: “I always have to be successful, I can never be vulnerable. I must be strong and I must be on my guard all of the time.” This can even be heard in the words of celebrities. Elizabeth Taylor was once heard to say, regarding her lobbying effects in Congress for HIV and AIDS, “You have to keep fighting, fighting, and fighting!”
For some people, they may find that the scripts and the stories need to change. They may acknowledge that these narratives are no longer working for them in terms of what they want in life. Narrative Therapy, pioneered by Michael White, David Epson, etc. argues that one can change the understanding of their story and thereby gain new interpretations and perspectives with regard to their life.
A therapist once worked with an Australian woman who was described as being anorexic and agoraphobic. The therapist didn’t attempt to “fix” the woman, but rather allowed her to talk. She commented about going out and having a cappuccino in the marketplace near the Sydney Opera House. She stated that she bought a puppy so that she could be taught about relationships (Single Session Therapy Training, Jim Duvall R.S.W. Galveston Island, TX 04/28/2017). People have the tremendous potential to do great things when they are allowed the freedom to explore their possibilities.
Story can be understood as a healing process. There is a beginning, a middle and a kind of ending process. Identity, who we are, encompasses our race, our national origin, our gender, our culture, our religion. What we hold dear, what we affirm as being sacred to us reveals our identity. Sometimes, our stories get stuck, we hit a wall, lose a job, lose a marriage, and experience the death of a parent or a child. It’s all too tempting and easy for people to get stuck in the story that has hit a dead wall. Instead of having someone try to wave the wand and make the problem go away, it might be more beneficial if someone would ask the person who is stuck in their story, “Can you tell me a time when you were the strongest that you’ve ever been? (Duvall 2017).
Asking this kind of question can open up a lot of alternatives and different understandings. There is no one message in any one’s life, but rather there is a myriad of messages. Someone who practices Narrative Therapy may want the person they are seeing to be able to name their problem, then begin to explore domains of the problem, articulate the effects of the problem and then help the person to justify their own identity and their values with regard to how they address their problem.
This type of collaborative activity between a helper and someone who is seeking help can generate a connection phenomenon and can help bring together the non-connected elements that people may feel in their lives.
Life can certainly feel disjointed at times, like trying to put together the pieces of a puzzle. It can be very helpful, however, to have a companion who walks side by side with you to help negotiate and consider where the pieces may be assembled next that can form a cohesive whole that has purpose and meaning.
May we find that connection in our stories?
May it be so.
